The night before

I have had a good 6 months, relatively speaking. There were a couple of falls (cannot feel my feet) and that pesky gall bladder surgery. Summer at the beach was great, especially when we had little visitors. Overall, I have enjoyed life, especially my grands!

 

Tomorrow I see my oncologist to get the results of my 6-month CT scan --  which I had today. I have been on edge all week, worse than I usually am while waiting for the scan and the results. It is a looooong 24 hours between the test and the verdict.

 

I have been unable to focus or concentrate for most of this week. Even watching TV, usually my ace in the hole, has not worked.  Should I read stuff on the computer, like North Korea perhaps setting something off, the Zika virus, the Flint water crisis, or the 3 escaped prisoners in CA? I do not think any of those stories will make me less anxious.

 

I have had a few bouts of anxiety this week --pounding heart and gasping for air. The only thing that stops this, and my awful thoughts, is being asleep --- which is hard to achieve. Last night I never got to sleep, despite taking Ambien.

 

Watching BLACKLIST tonight, I realized halfway through that I had not absorbed anything, so I had to go back and re-watch.

 

Then I looked at recipes on the computer, usually a great distraction....well, that did not help either because I like to plan out what to buy and cook and I find myself wondering "why plan ahead?"  "What if?"

 

I have so many errands to do and appointments to make, but cannot seem to think about anything in the future. 

 

I know I should be thankful that I am still here, since my "expiration date" passed long ago.

 

Thanks for listening. You would not believe how few people want to hear me talk about this stuff.

 

I should add that I had the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER. Charlie and Clara are at that absolutely perfect age where they are awed by everything. It was just a wonderful, happy day from beginning to end.

xoxoxoxo

 

 

Damn cancer!

Comments

[Melissa]

Hoping tomorrow is a great day for you, Jo Ann. Such a great family photo!

[Melissa]

Oh, and I can definitely understand the angst of the waiting. We go through that too with my husband's scans. It's agonizing and not many distractions really seem to help.

[Susan]

Damn cancer!! I can't begin to even imagine how difficult the waiting is. I would be anxious and jumpy, no doubt, and would probably get a bit grumpy, but that's just me. You have my heart felt support from afar, I just wish I could sit across the table and listen to it all.

And give you a big hug.

Praying for you, the situation. For life and health. I believe.

This photo is fabulous!!! Talk about joy!

[Leslie McLeod]

So glad to read your report. That is absolutely wonderful! Now you can get down to some of your planning that you do so well. Great picture of the fam.

[KK - Sarah]

JoAnn, I will always be ready to hear you talk about "this stuff." I find your posts very interesting. Sometimes even funny! So glad you had a good summer, fall, and holidays.