I had a CT scan Monday and met with my oncologist yesterday....the scan was clear!
Some random thoughts...I think of yesterday's good news as just another reprieve. Because with cancer, especially the agressive kind that I have, one can never be sure of the future. I not only worry if there will BE a future, but how I will be feeling in that future if I have to start treatment again.How incapacitated will I be?
I find myself unable to think or talk about the long-term because long-term may only be a short time... Last week I was wondering if I would feel well, for long enough, to use up all the food in my freezer. When reading about books that will be released in the fall/winter, I wondered if I would be reading them. I want to get everything done RIGHT NOW....all the household repairs, Christmas shopping, etc. I make endless lists of things I need to do, but am often too tired to make a dent in those lists. And I hate to ask for help.
Now I know what is meant by the saying "putting your house in order".
Cancer is an every day, life or death worry. My head often throbs with the stress of it all. I think maybe I have forgotten how to have fun, how to enjoy the moment. Many days it is all I can do to just get by. I know, intellectually, that worry is of no use, but emotionally, worry often overwhelms me.
A couple of weeks ago, a friend died because of this demon. She was the only person I knew who had the same kind of cancer that I do --- the same rare, aggressive monster about which so little is known. I grieve for her...and I grieve for myself too.
Meanwhile, I am at Laura and Ken's now, spending time with my babies and making the most of every moment with them. They do bring so much light and joy to my life and allow me to put aside my troubles for a time.
My dear JoAnn,
I am so very sorry that you are still suffering even when you have good news. I can only imagine how difficult your days are.
Love up those babies. I bet they give you the best and happiest energy.
Virtual hugs,
Mary
Posted by: Mary | June 26, 2013 at 09:17 PM
I wish I had words to express how I feel about what you've shared, but I don't. What could I possibly say that would have any meaning or comfort to you as you go through each day? So I will simply be here to listen and learn from you. I know those grand babies must be an enormous help to you. Enjoy making memories with them.
Posted by: Jolynn | June 26, 2013 at 10:33 PM
Dear JoAnn: If I could, I would sit across from you -- at a table with something good (Latte? Gin & Tonic ;-) -- and just listen and nod and listen some more and hug you and murmur things that don't really help like "oh honey, I'm sorry".
As Jolynn said so well, what can I write that would mean anything? I will simply say I'm so very thankful for this good report. VERY thankful. Also thankful for your wonderful family. They are the best tonic, of course.
I pray this is a wonderful summer for you. I believe. That's all I can say.
Big long distance hug to you. Your "people" are rejoicing with you!
Posted by: Susan | June 27, 2013 at 12:09 AM
Rejoicing is right! Great news on the scan. Enjoy the relief for a little while. Give yourself permission to enjoy the relief and to rejoice in all the blessings you have this summer. Especially those lovely two little blessings you have with you now.
Hugs and Happiness
KK
Posted by: KK | June 27, 2013 at 01:42 PM
I'm so glad to hear your news, and I'm glad that the grandbabies take you out of your worries if only for a while. I've always found living in the moment to be a great idea, but easier said than done. I know you're a ferocious organizer and it's a big part of your nature, so I just hope you can make progress and have some good beach moments here and there. I'm glad you tell it like it really is, I personally find that of great value. Thinking of you often, often, often...
Paula
Posted by: Paula Foley | June 27, 2013 at 10:15 PM
So happy that your scan is clear and at least you have a little piece for now. Living your life to it's fullest really seems like the best thing, that really we should all do. Make sure you also get a little peaceful, simple rest time too, to recharge.
Posted by: Brooke | June 28, 2013 at 01:20 AM
I just want to add one more thing, you are a darn good writer, especially on such an uncomfortable matter. You amaze me! You inspire me!
KK
Posted by: KK | June 28, 2013 at 11:19 AM
It's okay to grieve and feel overwhelmed. I am so happy for the clear scan. Enjoy your sweet babies! Your posts are so honest and real. I appreciate that. Sending hugs your way.
Posted by: Audra | June 28, 2013 at 01:54 PM
Dear JoAnn, so glad the scan was clear and I hope it is a long term remission, worry will do you no good. Try to relax as much as you can and enjoy every minute. I know you want it all NOW, do little by little and feel the accomplishment. Hope that helps! Let me know when you are back at the beach. Hugs and much love.
Sandy
Posted by: Sandy | July 01, 2013 at 08:45 PM
Hi JoAnn, So happy for the clear scan, that is really good news. Just do what you can each day and rest in between doing things helps. You have those little babies,they are the gems in your life and enjoy every minute with them. Happy Birthday and have a wonderful 4th of July!
Posted by: Dianne O'Connor | July 03, 2013 at 07:59 PM
Good to hear from you. How are YOU
doing?
L
J
Sent by carrier pigeon
Posted by: JoAnn Kirk | July 03, 2013 at 08:55 PM
My Dearest Pen Pal Friend,I hope you had a wonderful Birthday...xxxxxxxxxxo,j
Posted by: judy | July 10, 2013 at 12:30 AM
Happy Birthday! Saw your daughter's lovely post and had to say hello!!!! have a wonderful day.
Posted by: Susan | July 10, 2013 at 05:16 AM