I was so worried about my six-month surveillance visit at Hopkins and the CT scan I would be having. I have literally been paralyzed for the last few weeks. Of course, my hip pain and abdominal pain added to the worry and my inability to function normally. I have not cooked or done much of anything for weeks, but my freezer is full of the things I was planning to use in recipes before inertia set in.
My exam yesterday at Hopkins pretty much confirmed my fears. The CT report said <<there is new retroperitoneal adenopathy in the distal left para-aortic region just above the aortic bifurcation measuring 2.1 by. 2.1 at slice 71.>> In other words, I have an enlarged lymph node. Cancerous. Probably. The good news is that there was no sign of any of those evil cells in my liver or lungs or stomach. Organ involvement is the worst.
I will have a PET scan next week (2.5 hours of doing nothing- no book, nothing!) to see what "lights up". Later that day, Bob, Debbie, and I will meet with my doctor and formulate a plan. I think it is important to have a lymph node biopsy. Once we make a plan, I will probably have treatments at my local cancer center where I already have an oncologist. I just cannot stand the thought of going back to the cancer center at Hopkins. It actually makes me sick to think of it.
The CT scan also showed an abdominal hernia, which is evidently the cause of the excruciating pain I have had every evening for a month or more and which I feared was cancer. It is like gall bladder pain. Today I wore an abdominal "band" and that has really helped. Needless to say, one cannot have hernia surgery during chemo.
So I have another week to wait for the verdict, but I am feeling pretty serene. I feel like I am in control - spent a lot of time today thinking and planning.
Amazingly, my sainted orthopedic surgeon near Baltimore, whom I saw for the first time last week, is having one of his associates give me a cortisone shot in my hip tomorrow. I just cannot deal with all this pain with the angst. Bless him.
And bless my amazing family and friends who are all standing by to help. I am really fortunate in so many ways.
I was in PA today (had a neck MRI this morning). Once I got home, I did laundry and cleaned and got so much done. I had a lot of energy. I think the paralysis of not knowing was worse than knowing. Does that make any sense?
Charlie loves going to parks - this was his first time on a see-saw
You all know how beautiful Clara's face it, but I love the curls in the back too.
I'm glad you are getting a handle on all of that pain and I hope the injection does the trick. I think not knowing can be much worse than knowing too. I'll be thinking of you in the weeks to come.
Posted by: Linda | July 20, 2012 at 02:17 AM
Thank you for the update. You'er right, not knowing what is going on, or how to move forward, playing the waiting game -- is much worse than knowing the facts, no matter how tough they might be. It sounds from your summary that these are all issues and challenges that can be met head-on and worked through. Knowledge is power, yes? At the same time, I pray that the One who holds everything in His hands will give you strength and awareness of His care. And work out everything for good. Have a good weekend - hope the shot does the trick so you can enjoy these summer days :-)
Posted by: Susan | July 20, 2012 at 04:13 AM
P.S. - how could I forget? Your grandkids just get cuter and cuter! love that big smile and those curls!
Posted by: Susan | July 20, 2012 at 04:14 AM
You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. And I agree that the fear of not knowing is much worse than the actual knowledge. I am so very, very hopeful for you as you move forward!
Posted by: Stephanie Vetne | July 20, 2012 at 06:22 AM
Aha, I love that word "serene." Sounds like you are more in control again and that is good. Hope the cortisone shot will give you some relief.
What IS in your freezer?
KK
Posted by: KK | July 20, 2012 at 12:09 PM
Owh JoAnn, I'm so sorry. I wish your news was better. You sound in control and like you know what is best for you. I hope the scan is as good as it can be.
Posted by: Brooke | July 21, 2012 at 01:22 AM
It makes absolute sense. Knowledge is power at many levels. I am gong to assume you hit bottom when you got the news and everything is up from that point because you then told us that you got pleasure from doing house work!
The cutie pie curls are from where?? Too cute both of them.
God bless you all.
Posted by: Dede McLaughlin | July 21, 2012 at 01:08 PM
You don't know me, but I continue to pray for you. I agree that knowledge is WAY better than the unknown. Every time I went in for a sonogram and saw my little one I always felt relief. Thinking good positive thoughts for you!
Posted by: jeny | July 21, 2012 at 01:35 PM
praying for you. cancer is an asshole.
Posted by: audra | July 21, 2012 at 09:08 PM
Just an absolute nightmare for you. Hoping the shot works and all the other tests reveal some good news for a change.
Posted by: Nancy | July 22, 2012 at 12:13 AM
Sending you so much love and endless prayers. xo
Posted by: Stephanie Howell | July 22, 2012 at 01:41 PM
sending you ever so much love, and sending up so many prayers.
xoxo.
Posted by: gabby | July 23, 2012 at 08:09 AM
Thanks , gabby
Sent by carrier pigeon
Posted by: JoAnn Kirk | July 23, 2012 at 08:45 AM
Urgh. It makes me sad to read this. You are in my thoughts.
Posted by: Barb | July 24, 2012 at 08:03 AM
I'm a Buddhist, so I'm chanting for you to feel better every day - Glad you have found some serenity in the midst of this turmoil and a little easing of your pain.
Posted by: Mary Ann Morrison | July 25, 2012 at 04:01 AM
positive thoughts and extra hugs going your way.
Posted by: Joanne | July 25, 2012 at 11:21 AM